One of the most powerful concepts I learnt whilst training to be a Person Centred Counsellor was Carl Rogers’ Conditions of Worth.

‘’Their sense of worth, both in their own eyes and in those of others who have been important to them, is conditional upon winning approval and avoiding disapproval, and this means their behaviour is severely restricted for they can only behave in ways which are sure to be accepting to others’’ ‘’a poor self concept and countless internalised conditions of worth are typical attributes of clients coming for counselling’’ ( D Mearns and B Thorne, Person - Centred Counselling in action 2nd edition)

Why do I feel like I’m never good enough?

Often unintentionally, others can’t help but place judgements and expectations on those around them and create unrealistic expectations and conditions around how they feel the person should behave, what they should be doing and how they should be performing. This then leaves the individual feeling like they are not good enough if they fail to meet these standards and can also induce people pleasing behaviours just to feel validated and loved by the person that is setting these conditions.

This was one of the reasons I sought my own therapy because I often felt I was not good enough or that I could have done better. I also then set myself unrealistic expectations and put pressure on myself to try and please others. Carrying guilt and shame from failing to fulfil conditions of worth set by others also then impacted my self worth too.

One of the most important things I myself have felt as a parent was also being mindful not to project or impose any conditions of worth onto my own children and other important people in my life but at times despite my best efforts that was challenging. I have then addressed this in my own counselling sessions as it has led to me then feeling like I am not a good enough parent or friend and again impacted my own self worth.

In my role as a school counsellor a familiar theme I hear is my students sharing their own academic performance anxiety and dread at the fear of disappointing their parents or carers when they don’t get a grade that they think is ‘’good enough’’ and this also can lead to them comparing themselves to other peers or their siblings and other family members. Not only can this then impact their own sense of self worth but the pressure and expectation they then place on themselves can lead to low mood, high anxiety and at times thoughts of harming themselves.

If this feels familiar, counselling can offer a space to explore where these expectations came from and how they continue to affect the way you see yourself. If you would like to talk, you can get in touch via the contact page listed on my website.